PTSD & Mirroring

 Now I also have a PTSD diagnosis. That’s all I have to say about that for now. 

I’ve learned something new about myself, which is really fascinating to me. Yesterday I got home so close to shutdown that I put in my noise-cancelling earbuds, and watched a kdrama. I realised after about a couple of hours of complete passivity, when my mind started sparking again, that my face was mirroring the faces on my tablet. Almost every movement in the faces of the actors was being reproduced on my face. I focused on my own face for a further hour, and realised it was mainly positive, attractive, warm expressions. Is my masking so seamless that when I don’t have the cognitive bandwidth to calculate what my face needs to do, I ape neurotypical faces in front of me and don’t even know I’m doing it? 

Life Undiagnosed

 I’ve been in full-time employment my entire life. Aside from one summer, when I was very ill and on a sickness benefit, and a few months at other points in my life, I’ve worked or studied full-time for 35 years. All that time I’ve gone through cycles of overload, shame, mental burnout, imposter syndrome, depression, physical burnout, and emotional dysregulation, and life has been a near constant struggle. I had no idea that everyone else wasn’t struggling with the same traits, because I thought I was neurotypical. The worlds of work, family, couplehood, socialising, study, etc. just aren’t neuro-funky-friendly. Right now I’m trying to work out how to generate an income for myself in such a way that I can avoid these pitfalls. I’m thinking of creating my own line of sheepskin products, utilising materials that aren’t of use in my current employer’s product range. I need to get help working out the nuts and bolts of that, because even though I’ve spent a good part of my career as a sole trader, I’ve never done concrete production. I’ve always sold my expertise and time. I’m thinking about which products will work, in terms of overheads versus price, how to finance buying my required plant, and the logistics of shipping such products. The best way to market them, and who my target market will be. My sister has been an entrepreneur her entire adult life, so she can help with that. I don’t want to expand too much, as I just want to make a living, but I am considering documenting the process, so other neuro-funky people can learn from my mistakes and victories. I’ll update here as I go.

Ritalin

 I’m 52, going on 53. I’ve been on Ritalin for around three weeks, and the change when it hits is phenomenal. My whole demeanour apparently changes. My entire family has been gobsmacked by the change. What has interested me has been the high I get from completing tasks. I actually feel euphoric when I’ve done something to my own satisfaction. My emotional dysregulation is hugely improved too. As you might imagine, this has made my job even more enjoyable, and I’m sure it makes me much easier to be around. 

My performance in the IVA2 CPT is radically flipped from hugely sub-normal, to, on some measures, super-normal, but other-wise generally normal. My worst medicated measures are those that are hearing-based, which makes sense.

I still can’t read between the lines, tell the difference between different emotional responses, outside of their polarity, or modulate my own vocal tone instinctively. It still takes huge amounts of bandwidth to mask. The upside is that I have more available energy during the day to manage this, though. I’ve given up on trying to unmask at this point. It’s so habitual that I actually forget to shed my smiles and inflections, and I have more important things to deal with right now.

Like how much more positive I feel. On the whole, my quality of life has improved drastically. I’m less upset by my lack of upstanding of or from others, my imposter syndrome fades out, I’m more tolerant of things that used to be problems, and most of the time my affect is positive, so long as I’m on the Ritalin. This is hugely important to me, because when I think of my life pre-Ritalin, it seems dark, desaturated, pain-wracked, and incredibly overwhelming. I have lived in that world for half a century, but now, with the swallowing of a pill, I step into this new existence.

The flip-side are the crash after the Ritalin has been metabolised, and the traits it doesn’t alter. When the drug has left my system I become intensely fatigued, much less resilient, and much more unstable, emotionally. My intellect is still there, but I just don’t have the bandwidth to tap into it, and deal with anything else that’s going on. 

My sensory issues are still terrible, but noise-cancelling earbuds or headphones have made life much smoother, and less overwhelming. Without them I am constantly on the brink of meltdown while driving, working, shopping, and just being in a crowd. I can’t believe I didn’t try these years ago. They’re now a vital part of my toolkit, for living as a functional adult.

I have found a third downside with the use of Ritalin. It makes me queasy. Sometimes it’s so bad I feel that vomiting is imminent, and at best I feel nauseous. The next step is trying another ADHD medication, for which I have an appointment this coming week.

Diagnosed

 I’ve had a formal assessment and have a diagnosis for my ADHD. I don’t need one for autism.